October 27, 2003

Beginning of the Road

by Dane Sorensen

There is a new voice of reason in Ely that is a true Minnesota phenomenon. If you want to meet this new voice you need to turn on your radio and try and remember how to switch it to AM. Most people have forgotten AM radio. What use to be a lifeline to the world is now the anarchism of the broadcasting universe. But of late the AM band has made a comeback and some of that is due to Talk Radio. The new voice in Ely is found on WELY's 1450AM and belongs to Joe Soucheray. If the name sounds familiar it is because Joe also writes for the St. Paul Pioneer Press. That is his real job. His radio show is just for fun.

Joe's show started about 12 years ago and originates on KSTP 1500AM in St. Paul. Unlike other Talk Show hosts, Joe is not about a Republican or Democratic agenda. Joe is above all that. Joe is just a regular guy, the kind of hard working family man that you would find in any garage next door to you.

In fact, Joe's whole universe is centered around your average garage. First time listeners to Joe's show probably would find it a little confusing. As a long time listener, I have grown with Joe and remember when his empire was just a simple garage where "the guys" could hang out. For Joe, heaven is a garage filled with tools, an old sofa and an old color TV set that only works in Black and White. The TV set is so he can watch the Twins or the Vikings in peace while he works on one of his boat motors or takes a break to enjoy a beer. The world is fixable when viewed from a garage.

From this humble beginning based on the fact that a man's castle is his garage, Joe's show has evolved to a mythical place called Garage Logic. It is a city where everyone has common sense. Citizens of Garage Logic are called Logicians and they do not believe in Political Correctness. That crap is left for the citizens of another mythical place called Euphoria. Eurphorians are people who believe in Global Warming, are afraid of: competition, the sun, petroleum, hurting anyone's feelings, and believe in oxygen bars.

Today, Garage Logic is the county seat of Gumption County. Not to be confused with where Euphorians live: namely Diversityville which is close to Liberal Lakes. No longer just hanging out in his garage, Joe is now the Mayor of Garage Logic. Callers to his show often refer to him as "His Honor" as well as the "Flashlight King". Joe has never met a flashlight he did not like. His collection is world famous. Joe is a busy man; he also holds the title of "Fireworks Commissioner" and "Director of Garage Land Security".

To understand fully all the inside jokes about GL you really need to attend college at the University of Garage Logic at www.garagelogic.com. At GLU they offer classes on personal responsibility, a characteristic that is sadly lacking in most Eurphorians.

If you want to know if you have the potential of being a good GLer you can take a simple test. Count up how many cylinders you own. By that I mean how many cylinders you own that are in your internal combustion engines. Your cylinder index (C.I.) would include all cylinders found in boat motors, snow blowers, cars, weed eaters, lawnmowers, or any other gas powered machine. A CI Evaluator can be found online at Garage Logic's website at: http://www.am1500.com/cylinderindex/ci_form1.cfm

I look upon Joe as more than a Mayor, but as the Philosopher King of Flashlights. He has recognized some of the most important aspects of life. For instance the 48 hour rule which states that any male oriented item (such as a trolling motor) that you can sneak into the house and is not noticed within 48 hours by your D.A. (Domestic Associate) is yours to keep. If the D.A. does notice the item and complains before the 48 hours are up you probably have hell to pay. After 48 hours you can tell her "that old thing has been here forever."

Another favorite GL definition is that of SCUM which stands for Sensitive Caring Urban Male. These days it seems that being male is a crime. In GL, being male is not only legal but male behavior is essential to our country's survival. In Joe's GL, every boy old enough to be a cub scout has a pocket knife and can keep it in his pocket even while at school. In GL a pocket knife is a tool and not a weapon. In GL everyone knows that life is not fair and not everyone will succeed. The schools in GL allow competition and do not teach that the earth is our mother.

I always enjoy some of the regular features on his show. Features like the Stupid Principal Report or the Today's Ray of Hope. A typical ray of hope report would be something like hearing of a teacher who dressed up as Christopher Columbus on Columbus Day and who did not make it another Euphorian holiday to bash another dead white guy. Another example of a Ray of Hope report would be how a single parent Mom would take her son deer hunting. Life being fraught with stupidity is shown in one of Joe's End of the World Reports. An example of that is how a Minnesota school district recently decided to give all the high school kids laptop computers. This was decided despite the fact that they do not have the money to do this. They do not know how much it is really going to cost. They have no clue as to what software should be on the computer and who is going to pay for maintaining all these computers. Nor does the school board have any idea who will be liable if some of the kids use it to look up porn or illegally download music. With that district stating that "no child would be left behind", Joe wondered who will pay for new computers when they get lost or fall down a flight of stairs? Joe does not allow for good intentions to get in the way of common sense.

By the way GL is not just for guys. My wife is usually the first to switch the radio to 1450 AM in my household. She enjoys Joe so much that I am starting to worry if she will start wearing GL's official cologne - namely WD-40. There is no doubt about it, Joe grows on you. In these days of terrorists, environmental whackos, and the French, it is nice to know there is a place of common sense that exists for 3 hours a day on WELY 1450 AM. It certainly beats what they show on TV. Joe's radio program shows that middle America still has some down to earth people who can make sense of the moronic reality of our culture.


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