November 1, 2000

Beginning of the Road

By Dane Sorensen


According to the Wall Street Journal there are 3 million witches in the United States. Looking at the Dow Jones Average this year they all must be selling short. Other than the half pint witches I see every October 31st, I have never seen a real witch. For me, that is a shame, because I really like it when a woman wears a dress.

You would think a country that is blessed with so many powerful witches would be having a booming economy. Yet problems continue to exist in this modern complex society of ours. Flight delays still happen everyday on more and more flights. I donít understand why Americaís 3 million witches are not offering direct flights to Chicago? Iím not sure many from First Class would want an open air flight on a broom to the windy city, but the in flight meal canít be any worse than the airlines.

I am surprised that our female magic makers are not using their powers in other areas of the economy that could use a little competition. I thought every witch knew how to make things disappear. Yet credit card debt in this country continues to grow. Urban blight would be another thing that we would all love to see disappear. I would pay a witch five hundred dollars if she would make my property tax statements go poof.

Visions are another forte of the wicked set. With cable rates so high, I am not surprised that witches donít offer a competitive alternative. I would sign up in a minute if they would include the Discovery Channel. Even plain old visions of monsters and dead people would be a fresh improvement over the average fare offered on cable TV.

Perhaps, todayís witches just donít have what it takes to compete in our modern world? With next day delivery of almost anything you want witches canít compete if they require full moons and exotic ingredients that even the co-op doesnít sell. Maybe, it is time they need to update their potions and spells. Instead of batís milk they should switch to skim milk. Skim milk is so much healthier for you. Mummy bones are very difficult to come up with in Ely, even at the new Revenue Building. A modern substitute should be tofu. At least that would be a practical use for the stuff. If they need to maintain the mystery and rarity of an ingredient, I would suggest they make potions of heart of politician or using brain dust of TV Anchormen. Those are just as fictious as chicken teeth, but looking for them would surely leave us with fewer unnecessary people.

It is too bad the witches of America donít form their own political party. It seems everyone has a party of their own. Governor Jesse has a political party of one. With the election coming on very soon, perhaps witches need to form a PAC group and endorse candidates which will allow witches the freedom to compete in all the businesses I have mentioned. There are so many rules and regulations today; it is no wonder that miracle workers stay hidden. Can you imagine the red tape of getting a witchís wand UL approved? Todayís FAA standards would ground every broom in the nation. Perhaps that is why all these 3 million witches are basically invisible to the general public. Too bad for us. I have always enjoyed competition, even from the undead. Speaking of the undead Ė donít forget to vote for either Bush or Gore. Then again, I think I would rather see them turned into frogs.

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